MS Mom

Today was the start of school for both kids. This is excellent is so many ways!they are both reasonably excited about it. Me not so much. It meant facing big groups of people without a disabled parking permit (fuck why did I left that lapse?) and with my walker. That means lots and lots of looks of not questions. I'm feeling way too raw and vulnerable for that atm. I have no idea how one answers this looks and was wishing I had a shirt that said something like 'this is ms'  or 'this is what ms may look like'  or something along those lines. The kids part when really smoothly and I managed to organize raiser drop off with Aidan's daycare people so that will be extremely helpful! I'm at work and am totally unable to say even hours into it if I'm able to do this! It's exhausting and is an emotional roller coaster ranging from I'm strong I've got this to (more often) OMG was I thinking and there's no way I can do this! I see the neurologist...

This is the great thing about the blog. I can come here and said what I need to say without worrying about the reader not being interested (not because u don't care about you dear reader but you're faceless to me which helps). I can also keep coming back to whine about how crappy I'm feeling as many times a day as I want! Freeing really! I rarely complain and actually have a hell of a hard time talking about myself and asking for help when I need it. I'm sitting here dreading going into work tomorrow. I'm just not up for it but don't have the heart to not show up. It's an extent small operation and I made commitments to my boss so I'm going to try to keep them. But I'm tired. Not like I need a nap tired but a bone weary kind of tired that doesn't stop. I'm in pain, like nerve pain that feels like my limbs are on fire, my back is killing me and I have continuous muscle spasms. My body isn't doing what I tell it, I command a lab to rise and...

Yuck. Just yuck. I always forget how hard it is to deal with changes to the status quo in relation to my MS symptoms. I walk around most able to take in stride the pain , numbness, cognitive fog etc that's always with me. Then things shift and is uncomfortable. Not just physically but on a deeper level where with every breath in aware of my illness and my fragility. That wears at me more than the symptoms I think. Constantly being reminded that my body is betraying me. And it is. The stairs are my current challenge as I have to climb them many times a day and my leg muscles simply don't do what my brain asks of them. Simple commands to lift up and put down each foot & leg are misunderstood. My heart is willing but my body isn't able to make it happen.