Some days

Some days are shitty. Since days are amazing, sweet and beautiful.  And the time and difference between these types of days its hard to anticipate.

I'm having a hard time blogging recently. I think its because without symptoms the theme of my blog seems silly abs hard to maintain. I also feel like much of what I wanted to blog about a year ago isn't as relevant for me. I keep intending to revamp the blog, give it a new name and a new purpose then my motivation dissolves And the blog remains postless.

I'm blogging today as a way to recognize the 4 year anniversary of my brothers death. I didn't feel liked calling attention to my grief in facebook or via email or any other way this year. I'm deeply saddened And miss my brother but didn't want to share that grief this year. I'm not sure why it felt good to have people know and understand before but not now.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself again and that may be part of my desire for privacy? Honestly, I have no idea why but I was keenly aware of my pain and my desire took keep it to myself this year.

I miss my brother, Lawren. I miss him when I try to tell Aidan about how much I loved being an older sibling. I miss him when I think about my childhood. I miss him when I want to to talk to someone and really be heard (or made fun of). I miss him a lot. I wish he could meet Aidan. I wish for one last conversation. The pain of loss is still so strong 4 years later. So many memories have faded and been lost since Lawren died. I miss you Lawren and love you.