MS Mom

Second day in a row writing on the blog? Not sure I'm totally commited but I do know that this has always been a great outlet for me to get things in my brain going. I've been juggling too many things at once and this is that moment when I realise it and likely try to let some down slowly. I have limits. I have built in safe guards. My body no longer lets me abuse it. I have totally unrealistic expectations of myself and I think I'm going to have to work on accepting that once again. I can't be super-human not matter how hard I try. Next step trying to sort out how the heck to make things around my house work without my super-human attitude. I always get sucked back in thinking I 'need' to do things. My big kid is struggling in school and this is stressing me out. I am not sure at all what the best course of action is for helping him and the struggle is so darned stressful. I obviously want him to succeed and to feel good about himself. I feel like I'm de...

I had a close friend tell me she missed my blog. I also miss taking the time to write about life and parenting but I often feel like I'm short on subject matter. Thanks to this dear friend I realized this is not the case I have been having so many struggles trying to maintain the delicate balance of working (2 jobs), parenting, caring for our home, maintaining friendships, remaining in my marriage and caring for myself. I don't think I would change many of the choices that have lead me here and I love so many aspects of my life and feel blessed often. That said I'm also so damned tired. I am running low on energy and am tired from all the juggling. I also realized I hold myself up to a really insane standard! I never accept that my parenting journey looks different. Okay fine not never but I often forget that the gauge for me with a disability is different. I don't sign my kids up for as many activities as I would like. I don't have extra energy to do the things th...

Finding myself feeling better. Setting goals primarily getting strong again. I'm going to try very hard to get a solid exercise progtam happening. I realised that my symptoms stay at bay when I'm physically fit and come back when I'm unhealthy. Decision, it's time. Pain is the touchstone to change. My kids are so amazing and wonderful and I really want to be able to show up for them 100% for a good long time. The sooner I start the easier it should be. M is already approaching a year and this will mean an even more frantic pace around here.

I felt a big relief after writing yesterday. Is forgotten how cathartic it can be to get all my thoughts out. Today it was less about me and more about parenting. Aidan has started asking for lessons. Last week soccer this week hockey. I'm just unsure if he's ready and how to fund activities if there's the risk he'll quit. I really want to get swimming lessons for M but there's no way I'm comfortable taking her due MS symptoms. Devin doesn't swim though maybe with the baby he would consider it? I wish the kids had more functioning Grandparents then I'd ask them but my mom does all the heavy lifting in that department and I try not to overload her. I should also research costs, funding and tax breaks before sinking a bunch of money into it.

So it's been a long while since I posted anything. I actually wrote a few times but didn't post. For whatever reason I feel like I don't have much to say until I'm experiencing symptoms and then the desire to write come up again. So many emotions with this flare up. 2 kids one only 9.5 months old makes this so much harder than 2 years ago. I also feel like the ccsvi (and everyone's help funding it makes this episode seem like a failure?). MS symptoms always begin with a ton of emotional stuff. Fear of the unknown (well fear of everything really) can leave me pretty incapacitated. Symptoms Balance, bladder issues, pain, fatigue, lack of muscle control, dragging leg, no hand finger dexterity. But no cog fog! Very rare! More to follow soon?

Amazing mothering 2 beautiful wonderful children who are so incredibly different. Fuck wish I wanted to talk about them but all I want to do is talk about how frustrated I am. I need changes but none of the changes I'm hoping food look like they will come about! Grr! Muy body feels strange and My mind isn't much better. I need some r&r and there it's no hope of that anytime soon. Self care is tough when you have no energy for it. I'm taking on to much and not getting much support when I'm asking for help. Drives me mad but not sure hope to change it? Need money. Lots if money. Tired of people making out like it's our fault and if we only worked harder it would be different. Unfair and untrue. Fucking MS takes so much and so much off that loss is unnoticed by others. Over 10 years living with ms resulted in huge financial losses for me. I don't consider myself someone who bases life on monetary accomplishments but Christ even I gave wants. Want to do ri...

So little blogging so little time perhaps? I'm not sure time had been the issue however. I kind of feel like I pigeon holed myself by making my blog about my MS and had a hard time writing about other stuff. I think I'm going to try to start blogging more often, though that's easier said then done. Thoughts for tonight? Tired, worn out, happy, thinking more clearly, lots on my to do list. Praying hubby's new job starts soon and things start to pick up for us when that happens.