MS Mom

Finding myself feeling better. Setting goals primarily getting strong again. I'm going to try very hard to get a solid exercise progtam happening. I realised that my symptoms stay at bay when I'm physically fit and come back when I'm unhealthy. Decision, it's time. Pain is the touchstone to change. My kids are so amazing and wonderful and I really want to be able to show up for them 100% for a good long time. The sooner I start the easier it should be. M is already approaching a year and this will mean an even more frantic pace around here.

I felt a big relief after writing yesterday. Is forgotten how cathartic it can be to get all my thoughts out. Today it was less about me and more about parenting. Aidan has started asking for lessons. Last week soccer this week hockey. I'm just unsure if he's ready and how to fund activities if there's the risk he'll quit. I really want to get swimming lessons for M but there's no way I'm comfortable taking her due MS symptoms. Devin doesn't swim though maybe with the baby he would consider it? I wish the kids had more functioning Grandparents then I'd ask them but my mom does all the heavy lifting in that department and I try not to overload her. I should also research costs, funding and tax breaks before sinking a bunch of money into it.

So it's been a long while since I posted anything. I actually wrote a few times but didn't post. For whatever reason I feel like I don't have much to say until I'm experiencing symptoms and then the desire to write come up again. So many emotions with this flare up. 2 kids one only 9.5 months old makes this so much harder than 2 years ago. I also feel like the ccsvi (and everyone's help funding it makes this episode seem like a failure?). MS symptoms always begin with a ton of emotional stuff. Fear of the unknown (well fear of everything really) can leave me pretty incapacitated. Symptoms Balance, bladder issues, pain, fatigue, lack of muscle control, dragging leg, no hand finger dexterity. But no cog fog! Very rare! More to follow soon?

Amazing mothering 2 beautiful wonderful children who are so incredibly different. Fuck wish I wanted to talk about them but all I want to do is talk about how frustrated I am. I need changes but none of the changes I'm hoping food look like they will come about! Grr! Muy body feels strange and My mind isn't much better. I need some r&r and there it's no hope of that anytime soon. Self care is tough when you have no energy for it. I'm taking on to much and not getting much support when I'm asking for help. Drives me mad but not sure hope to change it? Need money. Lots if money. Tired of people making out like it's our fault and if we only worked harder it would be different. Unfair and untrue. Fucking MS takes so much and so much off that loss is unnoticed by others. Over 10 years living with ms resulted in huge financial losses for me. I don't consider myself someone who bases life on monetary accomplishments but Christ even I gave wants. Want to do ri...

So little blogging so little time perhaps? I'm not sure time had been the issue however. I kind of feel like I pigeon holed myself by making my blog about my MS and had a hard time writing about other stuff. I think I'm going to try to start blogging more often, though that's easier said then done. Thoughts for tonight? Tired, worn out, happy, thinking more clearly, lots on my to do list. Praying hubby's new job starts soon and things start to pick up for us when that happens.

Some days are shitty. Since days are amazing, sweet and beautiful.  And the time and difference between these types of days its hard to anticipate. I'm having a hard time blogging recently. I think its because without symptoms the theme of my blog seems silly abs hard to maintain. I also feel like much of what I wanted to blog about a year ago isn't as relevant for me. I keep intending to revamp the blog, give it a new name and a new purpose then my motivation dissolves And the blog remains postless. I'm blogging today as a way to recognize the 4 year anniversary of my brothers death. I didn't feel liked calling attention to my grief in facebook or via email or any other way this year. I'm deeply saddened And miss my brother but didn't want to share that grief this year. I'm not sure why it felt good to have people know and understand before but not now. I've been doing a lot of work on myself again and that may be part of my desire for privacy? Hones...

I'm not sure what's going on but it's something. I don't feel like myself somehow? My head is spinning when I stand up once again so I'm fairly sure my veins have re-stenosed, I wish I had a way to confirm that but I haven't had any "head rushes" since my surgery. I'm fairly sure that's not the only thing going on though. I'm feeling emotionally off. So sensitive yo rejection and so easily hurt. I'm also feeling kind of "melancholy" for lack of a better explanation. I feel like I need a break but from what I'm not sure. I am sure the rain hasn't been helping and not having a car is slowing me down but I think all that is incidental I'm going to have to go talk to my doctor and maybe see a therapist? I've taken antidepressants but I've never followed up by talking and I'm thinking that might make the difference. On a different note I've been enjoying the yard at our new place and so has Aidan. I...